


My Mind Died Before My Body

by orphan_account



Series: I could never understand [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, Hurt No Comfort, I Tried, I'm Bad At Tagging, Oh My God, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Yamaguchi Tadashi Needs a Hug, my poor baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:21:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26625112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Yamaguchi's suicide note.
Relationships: Yamaguchi Tadashi & Karasuno Volleyball Club, Yamaguchi Tadashi & his parents
Series: I could never understand [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1936621
Comments: 3
Kudos: 97





	My Mind Died Before My Body

**Author's Note:**

> The original work was in a different font so it seemed like Yam's hand wrote it but ao3 is a little font bitch so it didn't make the cut.(hehe get it)  
> I tried please don't kill me Mer..  
> I didn't fix grammar/spelling errors because Yamaguchi wrote this while he was about to die, ain't no one got time for that  
> Anyways enjoy!

Uhm so i'm not sure how i'm supposed to write a suicide note. I don't know if i should write about myself or if i should write goodbyes to everyone who i love i don't know 

It's weird, I'm messaging Hinata and talking about volleyball right now as i write this. It's sad, he doesn't know what i'm about to do. I almost feel guilty. It makes me wonder how many times this has happened before. You know where someone is messaging another person and then they say they have to go and the other person goes alright I'll talk to you later but they never get a message back. I wonder if that's ever happened to me. 

I don't really know why I decided today was the day. I never planned it out, i just got the sudden urge to die and sense momma is out of town for the weekend i thought it was a good time. It's sad that I'm going to die today but no one is going to find me until mom comes back home because I'm sure no one would question why I didn't answer their messages and I'm sure they wouldn't worry enough to come to my house. 

That kind of hurts writing because it makes me realize that no one really knows anything. It hurts so much. Knowing that the people I love with everything in my soul won't care enough when I'm gone. Because why would they? Right the only one who would really care is my mom, speaking of which i'm very sorry for this mom.

You've gone through a lot, you went through worse shit then i did and i'm so sorry. You lost dad first and now you've lost me. I'm so sorry mom. I really wish that I wasn't like this. But if it makes you feel better just know that you were the reason why i kept fighting until now. You always cheered me up and I really love you mom and I'm so sorry for hurting you like this. I'm sorry for not being the strong son you wanted. I know that even though i wasn't the son you always dreamed of you still loved me so thank you mom. I love you.

Oh god now I'm imagining my mom coming home and calling for me but when I don't answer she goes to look for me and she finds me dead. Will you cry mom? Would you cry when you see me? Or would you be too shocked to cry? I wonder how you'd react. 

Uhm so do i say why? Like why did I do this? Because i guess i just said why now but i didn't say why exactly. I don't know how to explain it. When I was little my sensei from kindergarten took advantage of me. She told me not to tell anyone or she was going to hurt me. When I was little, I didn't understand and I cried because what she was doing to me hurt. 

I didn't tell anyone because she would tell me that people wouldn't believe me. She kept doing things to me even as i got older, so when i finally left and went to another school for middle school i was so happy. It was short lived though because then I began to get these terrifying panic attacks where I thought I was going to die and instead of anyone helping me they made fun of me. 

The boys would hit me and call me weak and I believed them. I started believing everything they would tell me. I started to believe that I was weak and useless and a burden. I started getting all these thoughts about hurting myself because i deserved them but i was too much of a scaredy cat to actually do anything. Everything was so bad and I hated myself. The boys kept pushing me around but then Tsukki came into my life.

When he insulted those kids I'm sure the insults were also aimed towards me but for some reason I was drawn to him. Before I knew it we became best friends. It hurt me when I saw him heartbroken because of his brother. It made me feel like I needed to protect him from everyone else and make sure he was happy. But i guess i couldn't even do that because now he's emotionless and he's always sad. I blame myself because I could have helped him more then I did but I failed to. I hate myself.

Even though I love Tsukki, I'm always under his shadow. That hurts too. Because it's just more proof that I'm not good enough. 

When we got into high school everything just went downhill. All the first years were so good. They were amazing and I was the only one behind. Everyone was great and they had their special moves and talents and I was just there. I didn't know how to serve or receive or anything. I looked so pathetic when playing with them. I felt so small. I felt so out of place. I tried catching up but i'm too weak. I'm not relevant to the games or the team, so i guess my death won't really affect anything. I'm still sorry tho.

I just feel so sad all the time. I'm so tired and drained and I always feel like crying. Everything hurts and I can't even do things without feeling like a disappointment. I'm never hungry anymore and I can't eat. I always end up throwing up. I don't know why my body is denying food. I can't even sleep without having nightmares anymore. I guess that's why I'm always so tired. 

I feel like a puppet in some way. Like my mind is controlling everything I do while I just helplessly follow through. It's weird because I don't feel like I fit in with my body.

I feel like my body and my mind are always in different dimensions. Like my mind is outside of my body. It's weird. It all feels so weird. 

If i'm being honest i'm kind of excited. I'm finally dying. I'm finally going to be free. 

I can't explain how much i've always wanted this. And I'm finally getting it. I'm not going to hesitate this time. I'm going to do it and I'm so excited.

Is that bad?

Is it bad to want to die so bad? Is it so bad if i'm suffering while being alive? Is it so bad if it's what makes me so happy?

I don't know. I'm sure everyone says that suicide is not the answer and that “its a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and that itll get better.

But like when? When does it fucking get better? You know what I mean? I've been waiting for so long for everything to get better. I'm always hoping for something to get better but it never fucking does so if it gets better then please fucking tell me when? When does it get better? When do I get better? When do I get to be happy again? When do I get to experience a childhood that was taken away from me? When do I get to have my innocence back? When? When fucking tell me when? WHEN DOES EVERYTHING GET FUCKING BETTER? I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER AND NOTHING HAS HAPPENED SO FuCKING TELL ME!

God, I hate everything. I hate myself and my body. I hate how I am , I hate the world, I hate school, I hate volleyball, I hate everything.

I just want to die already. And I am.

I'm going to die. 

Now that I've explained, do I say goodbye to everyone? My note is already long. Is there a rule on how long you're supposed to write a suicide note? I don't know.

Uhm i already said bye to mom so i guess dad is next.

Will you even read this dad? You left me and mom so long ago, would you even care if i died? I'm not sure myself. I feel like you wouldn't, actually i'm positive you wouldn't care because you are so heartless. But deep deep down I kind of wish you would. I want you to feel guilty and I want you to cry. I want you to feel like it's your fault because in all honesty, it kind of is. You would always hit me and mom and called us names. I don't know why I love you. But I do and I kind of wish you loved me too. But you don't so i don't know.

Tsukki uhm i don't know man. I love you Tsukki. You're my best friend and you always stayed there with me, but i guess that's kind of because i never left you. Oh.. did you not leave me because i didn't let you? Oh god what if you never wanted to be my friend but because i was so clingy you had no choice? Oh my god i'm so sorry Tsukki, you probably hate me. I'm so sorry. But I'm kind of not because even if you didn't enjoy my company, I really enjoyed yours. I loved doing everything with you. I loved talking to you although you never talked to me back because you had your headphones on because I was being annoying. I love you and I guess even if you don't feel sad and stuff I love you. Goodbye Tsukki.

The volleyball team. God, I love you guys. Even if I was in all of your shadows I loved all of you. I wish I could write more to all of you but i'm starting to feel the pills kick in. i'm feeling dizzy. I'm sorry I lost interest in volleyball and wasn't there in the games. I'm sorry for being jealous of all of you. But I really do love all of you. And i know i was so annoying with you guys but being with you made me feel like a kid again before everything happened so i'm sorry for that. I'm not sure if you guys care about me, but if you do i'm sorry for leaving. But as i said i wasn't relevant in games so it won't be much of a problem. To Takeda sensei and coach Ukai, thank you for forming and coaching the volleyball team. You guys honestly were like father figures to me so thank you for that, i really needed it. To all of you, you guys were amazing friends. I hope you all make it to nationals, i'll be watching you guys so do your best. Good bye i love you all.

  
  


Tadashi

**Author's Note:**

> *Spanish accent* Llama-gucci
> 
> I'll update in about two to three business days ;)


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